Getting Through a Breakup: A Gentle Guide to Healing

Going through a breakup can feel like your world has been turned completely upside down. I know this from personal experience - that crushing weight in your chest, the way everything feels different, and how even the simplest tasks can seem impossible. You're not alone in feeling this way, and more importantly, you won't feel like this forever.

The pain you're experiencing right now is real and valid. Your brain is actually going through something quite remarkable, even though it doesn't feel remarkable at all. Understanding what's happening inside your head can be the first step towards feeling better.

A journey to peace and acceptance

What's Actually Happening in Your Brain

When a relationship ends, your brain doesn't just register this as a simple change. It treats it like a genuine threat to your survival. This might sound dramatic, but it's true. The emotional centres of your brain - particularly areas called the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex - go into overdrive.

Think of your amygdala as your brain's alarm system. Right now, it's stuck in panic mode, flooding you with feelings of distress, anxiety, and sadness. Meanwhile, your prefrontal cortex - the part that usually helps you think clearly and make rational decisions - becomes less effective. It's like trying to have a sensible conversation whilst a fire alarm is blaring in the background.

This is why you might find yourself making decisions that don't feel like "you," or why you can't seem to think straight. Your brain is doing exactly what it's designed to do in a crisis, even though this particular crisis needs a different kind of response.

The Journey Through Grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages that people often go through when dealing with loss, and breakups absolutely count as a significant loss. You might recognise some of these feelings:

Denial shows up as that voice in your head saying "this can't be happening" or "we'll get back together soon." You might feel numb or like you're watching someone else's life unfold.

Anger can surprise you with its intensity. You might feel furious with your ex, with yourself, or even with the whole situation. This anger is actually your mind's way of trying to regain some control.

Bargaining sounds like "if only I had done this differently" or "maybe if I change, they'll come back." Your mind is searching for solutions, even when the situation is beyond fixing.

Depression feels heavy and overwhelming. You might want to hide away from the world, convinced that nobody understands what you're going through.

Acceptance doesn't mean you're happy about what happened. It means you're ready to stop fighting reality and start moving forward.

Here's something important to remember: these stages aren't a neat checklist you tick off. You might experience them in a completely different order, or find yourself cycling back through earlier stages. That's completely normal and nothing to worry about.

Practical Steps to Start Healing

Whilst there's no magic cure for heartbreak, there are gentle, practical steps you can take to support yourself through this difficult time.

Build Your Support Network

Right now, you need people around you who care. This might feel difficult, especially if you're tempted to isolate yourself, but connection is crucial for healing. Reach out to friends and family, even if it's just to say "I'm struggling today." You don't have to put on a brave face or pretend you're coping better than you are.

Consider speaking with a therapist who understands relationship difficulties. Sometimes having a neutral, trained professional to talk through your feelings can provide clarity that friends and family, however well-meaning, simply can't offer.

Write Down Your Thoughts

Keeping a journal might feel a bit foreign if you've never done it before, but it can be incredibly helpful. You don't need to write pages and pages - even a few sentences about how you're feeling each day can help. Writing helps you get the swirling thoughts out of your head and onto paper, where they become more manageable.

When you look back at earlier entries in a few weeks' time, you'll be able to see the progress you've made, even when it doesn't feel like you're moving forward.

Ground Yourself in the Present

Your mind is probably jumping between painful memories and anxious thoughts about the future. Mindfulness practices can help anchor you in the present moment, where you're actually safe and okay.

Start small - perhaps with just five minutes of focused breathing each day. Apps like Headspace or Calm can guide you through this if you're not sure where to begin. The goal isn't to stop thinking about your breakup entirely, but to give your mind regular breaks from the intensity.

If you're struggling with racing thoughts, particularly at bedtime, I've created a free relaxation audio that can help calm your mind and improve your sleep. Many people find that guided relaxation becomes an invaluable tool during emotionally challenging times. You can access this resource at here, and I encourage you to use it as often as you need.

Take Care of Your Body

When you're emotionally exhausted, it's easy to neglect your physical needs, but your body and mind are closely connected. Try to maintain basic self-care routines: eating regular meals, getting some fresh air, and ensuring you get adequate sleep.

Gentle exercise like walking can be particularly helpful. It releases natural mood-lifting chemicals in your brain and gives you a change of scenery from whatever space you've been dwelling in.

Set Healthy Boundaries

This is perhaps one of the hardest but most important steps. Consider taking a break from checking your ex's social media accounts or driving past places that hold painful memories. These actions keep the wound fresh and make healing much more difficult.

It's not about pretending your ex doesn't exist, but about giving yourself space to process your own feelings without constant reminders.

Journalling for reflection and insight

Finding Light in Dark Moments

Positive psychology teaches us that even during difficult times, we can cultivate experiences that nurture our wellbeing. This doesn't mean forcing yourself to be happy - that's not realistic or helpful. Instead, it's about creating small moments of comfort and meaning.

Consider volunteering for a cause you care about. Helping others can provide a sense of purpose and remind you that you have value beyond your relationship status. Alternatively, this might be the perfect time to try something you've always been curious about - perhaps a creative hobby, a new sport, or learning a skill you've put off.

Spending time in nature has proven benefits for mental health. Even if it's just sitting in a local park for twenty minutes, connecting with the natural world can provide perspective and peace.

When Loneliness Feels Overwhelming

Feeling lonely after a breakup is one of the most natural things in the world. You've lost not just a romantic partner, but probably your primary companion, your person to share daily experiences with. This adjustment takes time.

Focus on building connections, even small ones. This might mean saying hello to neighbours, joining a local group based on shared interests, or simply calling a friend you haven't spoken to in a while. Each small connection helps rebuild your sense of belonging in the world.

Considering Professional Support

If you find yourself feeling stuck or overwhelmed by negative thoughts, different therapeutic approaches can offer valuable support. Solution-focused therapy helps you identify your strengths and work towards specific goals for your future. Hypnotherapy can help calm your anxious mind and address deep-seated emotional patterns that might be keeping you stuck.

The key is finding an approach and a therapist who feels right for you. Don't hesitate to ask questions about their experience with relationship difficulties and what their sessions typically involve.

Moving Towards Acceptance

Acceptance doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't mean you'll never feel sad about your relationship ending. What it does mean is that you'll stop fighting against reality and start channelling your energy into building the life you want going forward.

This phase often brings surprising discoveries about yourself. Without the routines and compromises that come with being in a relationship, you might rediscover interests you'd forgotten about or realise you want to pursue goals you'd put on hold.

Your Healing Journey

Remember that healing isn't linear. You'll have good days and difficult days, sometimes within the same hour. This is completely normal and doesn't mean you're not making progress.

What you're going through right now is genuinely difficult, but it's also temporary. Many people who have walked this path before you have found that whilst they wouldn't choose to go through heartbreak again, it ultimately led them to a deeper understanding of themselves and what they truly want in life.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Healing takes the time it takes, and rushing the process often just prolongs it.

If you're reading this and recognising yourself in these words, please know that support is available. Whether you choose to work through this independently using some of the strategies mentioned here, or you feel ready to reach out for professional guidance, both paths are valid.

I've seen many people move through the darkness of heartbreak into lives that are richer and more authentic than they ever imagined possible. Your current pain is real, but it's not your permanent reality. Take it one day, one moment, at a time.

If you'd like to explore how therapy might support your healing journey, I'm here to help. Sometimes having someone to walk alongside you during this difficult time can make all the difference. And remember, that free relaxation audio is always available whenever you need a moment of calm in your day.